It was January 2, 2008; around 10pm…

I’M LOST!
I’M LOST!
I’M LOST AND I’M GOING TO HELL!!!

…is what I cried out to God in prayer as I lay in despair with empty hands, an empty soul, with an anguishful heart.

There is no convincing of myself otherwise that I am saved. Many of us would advise someone like myself in the same situation not to think this way, that maybe it is only Satan’s doing that I go into such a thought. That I must realize that this is only a sort of test. That these are just lies that Satan has imputed into my mind, doing his best to take me from the straight path.

Oh, wicked generation. How many times have we blamed the devil for each and every mishap that has happened in our lives. “It’s because of Satan. Stand in faith and rebuke him and he will leave! Do you not know what the Scripture says? Resist him and he will leave?”

My friend, if only you knew how to differentiate the presence of God from the presence of Satan.

As I lay there helpless, I knew… oh, how I KNEW, that this is such a thing that was revealed to my soul by God!

That I am lost! And there is nothing that would keep me from being lost!

Oh, how easy it is to repeat scripture.
How easy it is to listen to expository preaching.
So easy to understand the understandable.

It is such a simple thing to give mental ascent to these things. To say “Yes! I agree! And I believe the same thing!” But oh, it is such a different thing to say and acknowledge that your heart and mind is conformed to that very thing that you profess to be believing.

Have you not read from Scripture that many will say to the Lord Jesus Christ that they have served Him in so many ways and the reply of Christ was He never knew them? Is it not the same to say that though we’ve been used by God we were never of God?

Oh the horrid reality that God has revealed to me in this dungeon! I lay helplessly in the shadow of death!

Little by little, as if being pushed slowly off the plank of a dreaded pirate ship, to die in the depths of the murderous sea, He revealed to me to how lost I was, of how condemned this soul of mine IS.

I never desired or loved the Word of God.

It’s so easy to listen to sermons and teachings. So easy to act and talk like a Christian. It is such a simple thing to say what is revealed by others and confess that of course through them it was also revealed to you. But if you knew the difference! The difference that is YOU! Me! I have never ever looked upon the Living Word of the Living God and said,

“Ah! This is the desire of my soul! Oh, what would I be without your Word my Lord, my God! Oh, a day without immersing myself to your everlasting Word would be death to me! Thank you for your sweet, sweet Word!”

But no, it was never that way with me, never. To me it was a chore. A thing that was so easy to shove off to the back of my mind. I can easily say to myself that I would read it later, and most of the time I would tell myself that I’ve done more than my share of that by listening to wonderful sermons. But when was the last time that I have knelt before the Word of God and cried out all my soul for the revelation of His Word upon my heart? Never!

I would refer to myself as an Christian. I would say that I love the Gospel that I am all consumed by it. Oh, what a lie! What a lie! If ever that was true then why doesn’t tears fall from my eyes every time I go out into the world? Evangelist?

Some evangelist who can look at the souls of condemned men and women everyday, utterly procrastinate the work of the Lord without shedding even a tear and sleep soundly into the night!

Oh, how condemnation has overcome my soul!

Everyday I sin. Everyday I fall! But why is it when I do, and I ask for forgiveness it is as if nothing has happened at all? Why is it that I cannot say what an old preacher once said, “I HATE SIN!!!” Why is it that that reality is not present in this heart of mine? WHY?!

BECAUSE I AM LOST!

OH, I AM LOST!!!

And in my wretchedness that very evening, I cried out and cried out to the Lord saying:

LORD SAVE ME! SAVE ME!

I AM LOST! I AM LOST! IF YOU DO NOT SAVE ME NOW I AM LOST FOREVER!

IF YOU DO NOT SAVE ME THEN THERE IS NOTHING FOR ME BUT HELL!

Salvation is of the Lord, yes. It is true. And by that very same truth, God has revealed to me that it is not so with my soul, because this heart of mine was indeed a heart of stone! I was never converted! I was never regenerated! My heart and my soul never felt the anguish of a dying man in the hands of an angry God! Oh how perverse to speak the things of God with a depraved heart!

OH LORD IF YOU DO NOT KILL ME NOW AND SEND ME TO HELL, BUT INSTEAD HAVE MERCY UPON MY SOUL…

OH MY LORD, MY GOD, I WILL SERVE YOU AND NO ONE ELSE, I AM YOURS!!! OH LORD, I AM YOURS! DO WHAT YOU WILL WITH ME!!!

As the old Hymn once said,

NOTHING TO YOU I BRING,
ONLY TO THE CROSS I CLING.

In this dungeon of misery and death I slept the night. No God. Without hope. LOST. AS LOST AS I CAN EVER BE! Tears in my eyes and with this crushed heart of mine, sleeping with this as the last thought in my mind:

I AM LOST!
I AM CONDEMNED!
AND WHEN I DIE I AM GOING TO HELL!

…

The morning came and I woke up.

…

…

AND OH, MY FRIEND IF YOU KNEW WHAT I SAW, IF ONLY YOU COULD SEE WHAT I SAW!

It wasn’t of physical appearance or anything of this world!

BUT I CAN SEE AND FEEL THAT I AM SAVED!

IT WAS NOTHING LIKE I’VE EVER KNOWN BEFORE!

I AM SAVED!

I AM SAVED!

Oh, how I wanted to scream to all the world that the Lord has saved me!

THE LORD JESUS CHRIST HAS SAVED ME!

An indescribable light has shown through my heart, oh I cannot fully express the experience of the Work of the Living God in my wretched being!

Oh, dear soul, do you understand this feeling?!

THE FEELING THAT WON’T GO AWAY?!

I AM SAVED!!!

I AM SAVED!!!

THE LIGHT OF THE LORD IS IN MY HEART, AND IT DOESN’T GO AWAY!

I AM SAVED!!!

OH, PRAISE YOU JESUS! PRAISE YOU MY LORD!

FILTHY RAGS I BROUGHT, IN A DUNGEON I WAS IN, CONDEMNED, BUT YOU CHOSE TO SAVE ME!

SOMEONE LIKE ME! A WRETCH LIKE ME!

I CROWN YOU WITH MANY CROWNS, THE ONLY ONE WORTHY TO DIE AND RISE AGAIN!

OH, THANK YOU MY LORD MY GOD!!!!!

I AM SAVED!!!!

I AM SAVED!!!!!!!

DO YOU FEEL THIS LOVE MY FRIEND?! DO YOU FEEL IT?! THE LOVE OF GOD FREELY GIVEN TO THE LOWEST OF THE LOW?!

Oh, how sweet is the love of the Lord! I could never understand the depths of your love my God! But my Lord my God, If you would, It is the desire of my soul to do just that one thing!!! Oh that I would seek out the depths of that LOVE…

THE LOVE THAT SAVED ME,
THE LOVE THAT CAUSED IT’S LIGHT TO SHINE UPON ME.
THE LOVE THAT IS YOU, THE LOVE THAT IS MY LORD JESUS CHRIST!

I AM SAVED!!!