Saturday – October 3, 2009

Around 3:30 in the afternoon, my mom caught a fever. I was supposed to go out to the mall to read my books and give out Gospel tracts to people. I had to stay due to my mom’s condition and take care of her.

4:30 in the afternoon, we watched the new Superman/Batman movie released by DC Comics in mom’s room.

5:30 in the afternoon, I went to bed.

Woke up at 6:30 in the evening, I caught her fever. I caught her fever and something else happened while I was asleep.

Backstory:

For 2 weeks or more I have been so spiritually weak and given to my lusts and temptations. So much so to my utter shame and to the degree that I have been living a life of hypocrisy. Confessing one thing and practicing another. Confessing holiness yet falling and falling continually each day to my bosom sins. To the most real of instances, a genuine Dark Night of the Soul.

Here is my recollection of the event, I have written this between 7 pm to a quarter to eight in the evening right after waking:

(After going to bed at around 5:30 pm. Sleeping.)

I vividly remember my soul being sent to a series of heart wrenching and horrifying dreams. I recall experiencing around two to three dreams of the same sort. The “me” in both dreams died while sinning.

(6:30 pm, I woke up just after roughly an hour of sleep.)

Weak at heart and mind, recovering from the recent experience in my dreams, slowly after waking, my heart and my soul began to remember the tumult of the horrors of dying in sin and not being able to do anything about it.

Because I am dead! Oh, I am dead!

That very moment, while tears are profusely flowing from my eyes, I sent a message to my friend that I sought prayer from, where I said in repetition: “I don’t want to die sinning! I don’t want to die sinning! I don’t want to die sinning!”

That moment, I still knew full well that I will not lose my salvation in Christ, but Oh! the horrifying experience of being a relentless rebel and God hater at the very moment and precepice of death!

Heart defiled with lust and sin, raising my fist against God and practically crying in rage: “I HATE YOU GOD! AND I DON’T WANT TO HAVE ANY PART WITH YOU!”

Oh Dark Night! Oh, pitch black dark night of the soul!

Thou has cut my heart so deep and wide that my anguish would not cease! Oh my tears! Thy fount of sorrow would not cease! Oh sorrow would not cease! Oh my heart! The vice-grip of feeling a sense of the absolute absence of the presence of God, abandonment in sin choking and strangling you dear heart with the might of a thousand demons that it may weep, weep in utter anguish and hopelessness!

Hopelessness!

Hopelessness, bearing the fangs of utter evil that are a thousand times more detestable to Him than a heinous pedophalic offender is in ours!

Oh dear soul, overcome in horror and absolute anguish in total darkness and a heart of relentless evil!

Dear soul, Hope!

Hope in God for I am yet to praise Him!

Oh dear Ruler, Lord and King!

Break me!

Break me infinitely more!

Show me and etch deep in my heart with your unmeasurable Blade, so broad and deep, increasingly the absolute horror…Oh, the horror of Sin, increasingly the absolute infinite, infinitely reviling and infinitely disgusting nature of Sin!

Oh Holy Spirit, sovereign, majestic and supernatural, heed your weak and faithless servant’s cry by virtue of my dear Lord, Eternal High Priest and King. Through His Name I pray, Amen.

Taken from my other blog, in the journal and pantings section: FeebleSaint.com